more than my two cents

foundation

2006-12-14T22:03:00.000-05:00

Today I finally acknowledged the fact that I am completely without foundation. For you guys who don’t know what I’m talking about, foundation is the skin-colored liquid or powder that us girls apply to our faces before putting on the rest of our makeup. It conceals redness and blemishes and transforms us into the beauties that you see and appreciate every day. Guys, don’t worry, this post is not really about makeup. Under normal circumstances I would be dreadfully afraid to enter the world without my “face” on. Today, however, I had some errands to run and therefore skipped the foundation (I didn’t have any anyways!) and ran out the door. When I walked back in the door, I looked at myself in the mirror, and LO and Behold! I looked normal! This whole time I had been hiding behind face-powder to make me beautiful… and yet, when I didn’t have any, I wasn’t half-bad! Now to the main point of this post. We don’t have to hide behind things to be who God intended us to be. Here this whole time I thought that the only way people would like me was if I looked right or talked right or laughed a nice laugh… but does any of that really matter? Not really. God cares about who we are on the inside, and he cares about how we see ourselves on the outside. God made each of us with a specific purpose in mind. He created me and you and called us Beautiful and Handsome and Wonderfully Made. Why do we spend so much time fixing ourselves and being discontent? Now, I’m not saying that we should sit on the couch and eat potato chips and ice cream because “we’re beautiful already.” I’m saying, we don’t need to waste time worrying about ourselves. We need to GET UP and GO! God has a wonderful plan for each of us, but how can he find it when we’re so busy fixing his work? It's hard. I know, because I'm living it, that being a teenager is hard. So many emotions and hopes and dreams and fears all rolled up into a decade of self-doubt and confusion. Each and every one of us spends too much time doubting. In my honest we SHOULD doubt ourselves. who ever said we could do anything on our own anyways? What we shouldn't doubt is God's faithfulness. doubting God is like throwing in the towel... there's no reason to continue if you can't give a hand to the maker of the universe. I realize that this post is a bit scattered and I hope you can all understand it. until next time...your maribelle

My Unexplicable View

2006-10-20T23:09:00.000-04:00

I think, that guys are jerks. Mainly in the pursuit of women, but other times as well. I am not saying that ALL guys are MAJOR jerks, but all guys have the capability. Lately, I've become more and more discouraged by the male gender in general. I will continue to feel this way, probably, until someone proves me wrong. It is my firm belief that somewhere out there, there is a guy in between the ages of 16 and 23, that is NOT a jerk. If anyone finds him, mail him to me.

Girls are jerks too. all humans are. It sucks. I hate knowing that no matter what I do it can only taint the reputation of womanhood in general.

I need a hug so badly. a nice one, consisting of just standing there for at least five minutes.

mari

Maribelle, that's me!

2006-10-05T16:55:00.000-04:00

life lately has been so complicated. sometimes i wish there was an ultimate cure for troubles, and then I realize, there is! God will always be here for me I just have to let Him be.

still, life is complicated. there are many things adding to this, but at the same time, life is beautiful.

I need to rejoice in the small victories.

Maribelle

me, myself, and Irma

2006-09-05T16:36:00.000-04:00

Hey, everyone, it's me. I'm actually posting, surprise! here's the brief update:

I'm in school, and I'm a senior, and its ... interesting!

I love computer programming class.

there is a guy.

:)

mari

confusatory?

2006-08-22T20:34:00.000-04:00

WHAT is wrong with people these days? I don't understand at all. Who are my real friends, and why is everyone being so judgemental? I am very hurt by the behavior of people that I thought were my friends. whatever am I to do? I guess befriending someone is beyond certain people's capacity. Is forgiveness not a symbol of Christian love? no wonder so many are appalled by the behavior of so-called CHRISTIANS. I am almost ashamed to belong to such a hypocratic group.

If anyone had any real information, then maybe I would listen. But instead, you all show yourselves to be the insensitive shovenist pigs that you are.

angrily,

maribelle

suicidal tendancies

2006-07-26T13:10:00.000-04:00

I know of a girl who's thinking about suicide. She's a christian, I think, and she spends a lot of time on the computer. Anyone know of any christian forums she could visit?

thanks!

mari

proverbial ponderings

2006-07-19T18:36:00.000-04:00

Proverbial Wisdom, Anyone?

Recently I've been thinking about alot of things, like why I'm friends with someone and what is my life all about anyways? So today I was reading Proverbs 19, and it really confused me. A lot of times I will feel like nothing in the Bible makes sense, and then I'll lose interest in it. But honestly, this book is pretty swell, and I WANT to read it...

so anyways. Proverbs 19. at least five times it says something like this:
19:4- Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man's friends desert him.

so I ask you, what does that mean? I seem to recall many times when the bible mentions that it is better to be wise and poor than rich and foolish, so why is it that the rich man gets all the friends, and the poor one can't seem to keep any? just a silly question, but If i dont ask questions, I tend to lose interest. so humor me with your clever responses.

on a different note, I don't work thursday friday or saturday, and so it would be awesomely fun if someone wants to hang out?

plus, Titus Wilson and Taylor Blythe have a band, Given to Grace, and they have a show on Saturday evening at... 8? so, you should all come out to Fowler, the one-stoplight town, and show your support. lol.

-bye for now!
mari katherine

seeking normalcy

2006-07-19T18:33:00.000-04:00

there is no such thing as normal. we all have our hidden idiocyncracies. this comforts me, because I know that even the girl who looks like she has it all together is really struggling somehow. It helps to know everyone has problems. I know I have a lot of issues. I wonder, is there a way to change myself without losing my true identity?

and yet again we meet

2006-07-10T14:51:00.000-04:00

here's one from yesterday!

unexplainable me
When I got home from work, I lit a really cool sparkler. It made me smile, and I twirled around with it, making hearts and figure eights with the glow. I wanted the moment to last forever.
Today at work i was horribly mean and obnoxious. I don't even have a logical explanation for it, which makes it worse. I mean, I felt kinda sick going to work, and I was tired, but really I was just being selfish and mean, which is so DUMB! I felt like kicking myself.
*sigh*
I really enjoyed my burger made with care or love or whatever it was. It made me happyish.

mari

p.s. I want rain, and dancing.

songs of yesterday

2006-07-10T14:47:00.000-04:00

this is from about a week ago, I published it on my xanga, and realized i hadnt posted in a while on here. so... yeah. here you have it.

wonderland and other fun things

So, I've been here for about four days now, and it's great fun just hanging out with my cousins. Yesterday we went to church at New Harvest Church in Hillsborough. it was pretty cool, the building was nice and sunny and they had coffee and biscotti! the service was pretty good too.The pastor was very friendly and his message seemed to be geared towards all ages.
After that we came home and ate some mac n cheese, haha. I made it, wow I'm such a good cook! it was yummy nonetheless.
Then, we went to the southpoint mall in durham. it was really big and nice to walk in, I didn't buy anything except for coffee-flavored dip n dots, YUMMM!
I'm really not trying to make a long boring entry with every detail of my boring trip, sorry.
I am having fun, its just more of the indescribable fun.
bye,
mariposa hermosa

other smack-dad things

2006-06-19T09:46:00.000-04:00

My heart hurts right now. Thank goodness for Jesus!

have you ever cried so hard you almost threw up?

Casting Crowns is a really good christian band. my favorite song is "what if his people prayed" I really like the one about Jack and the American dream too. I forget the title? oh well

I love my friends so much. This is a shout-out to all of you, because without you I would be very lonely!

how about July 15 for a luau?

freight rates and persian dates

2006-06-17T09:33:00.000-04:00

so! Work yesterday was pretty horrid. I mean, normally I just worry about getting MY job done, but yesterday I had to get two jobs done. That's because there's this guy at work who doesnt know how to do anything but dining room, and he isn't good at that either. I'm pretty sure he only wiped 10 tables the whole five hour shift. I had to wipe tables, stock condiments, wipe down filthy counters, etc, etc. I mean, normally I'm happy to serve, but when he does nothing it makes me mad. I felt kinda bad cuz i was so "mean" to him. I kept telling what to do and everything like that. But honestly! when the ketchup and ice are empty, when the trash is full, and all the tables are dirty, and there are no medium cup lids! ugh! I just realized that this whole post is dedicated to complaining. So, if you don't want to read it, stop now. I'm sorry for being selfish. I don't know why I was so mad.

ok. I guess the logical thing to do would be to pray for this guy. That's hard! I mean, Its not that I dont think God is good, I just feel like... I dunno... weird about it. I'm glad God has unconditional love, cuz I sure don't.

*SIGH*

ok. hmmm. Tonight I'm going to watch the pink panther and go to the taste. fun fun fun under the... sun? it's supposed to be 92 degrees in the straight-up shade today. I hope I'm not runner.
I am so thankful for my friends. they keep me sane. Last night at work I was almost crying and then Jhurl and Jenni came in to eat and talked to me for a lil bit and I felt better. Kelsey came in a lil later and gave me a hug, it helped a lot. hugs are like medicine to my aching heart. ok, so that was corny. whatever.

love and everything else,
mari

Growing Pains

2006-06-13T12:17:00.000-04:00

Guess what, mommy and daddy? I'm not a two-year-old anymore!

wow. I'm amazed at how old and big I feel.I mean, I've always known that I was gonna grow up one day. But, I guess I wish I had a bit more time to play dollies and sing kid songs and dance around like a crazy kook. Maybe I'll still do all of that when I'm forty. That would be fun. tee hee.
I'm excited about some aspects of growing up. Today me and my parents signed me up for a debit card. It's a nifty peice of plastic! I'm trying to be responsible with money, and this will really help me to separate my savings from spending money. yay...

But at the same time, some things scare me. Like... having to pay for everything, and having to take care of everything and remembering to buy toothpaste and apples. Going to college and dating and getting a job! all these things are kinda scary. I guess I'll just trust God no matter what, but I wish I had some little clue as to the future.

What I really want to do is to become a fashion designer and design clothes for teenage girls and guys that are fashionable and modest at the same time. so, that way teenagers will realize that looking good and showing skin do not equal one another. I think that God has given me a creative mind and that He will show me how to use it.

Eventually I want to get married, but one of my biggest fears is that my husband will stop loving me and want a divorce. kinda twisted, huh? I guess since my mom's parents were divorced, and it hurt my mom so bad, it scares me a lot.

I just realized that this is not a very conclusive post.

love you all.

-Mari

Summer Blues

2006-06-13T12:16:00.000-04:00

So! this is cool, summer. I'm heading towards my senior year. exciting, hmmm? I just got Randell to agree to give me six days a week instead of three, which is pretty good, I guess. My dad wanted me to get a second job, and it was stressing me out a lil bit. I'm hoping he'll be happy that I've got 28 hours a week?
I've decided that there's a fourth type of guy: the CREEP!
this guy is a sicko. that's all I can say. He lets his hormones and weird thoughts control him. that pretty much says it all.
so, im hoping to have a party soon. not a wild kegger, NO MA'AM! Just a good ole Luau with hawaiian music and kabobs. yay. so, those who read my blogger are officially invited even tho im not sure of the official date yet. hehe.
Mari

the three kinds of guys!

2006-06-08T22:22:00.000-04:00

the three kinds of males

Recently I've come to the conclusion that there are three types of guys: jerks, wanna-be's, and the nice guy. These three guys are pretty much the extremes, but most guys gravitate towards one of the extremes.I will now proceed to explain each prototype to you!

the JERK: this type of guy is only concerned with his reputation with other guys. In the meantime, he plows through girls' hearts and leaves gaping holes. He's got nicknames like pimp and player, which he will sometimes own up to.He likes to have ten unofficial girlfriends at a time, and for him the relationships are purely physical. He will grow up to be a domineering and controling man with no particular goal in mind. Ladies, stay away from this kind of guy!

The "Wanna-be": this is the guy that no one can figure out. One minute he's really nice and giving you teddy bears, and the next minute he's got his arm around your best friend. He craves attention and while he doesnt intentionally try to hurt anyone, he tends to be so indecisive that someone always gets hurt. He isn't sure if bad boys or nice guys finish first, so he tries to be both. he has a lot of aquaintances and not very many close friends. This type of guy is dangerous because he may have a totally different intention than you suspect.

Mr. nice guy: This guy is friendly, courteous and fun. He likes to have a good time, but not at anyone's expense. He seems to live compassionately and is looking out for others. He has his moments of wanna-be and jerk, but for the most part he's nice-guy through and through. He's the one that you smile about for no reason. this kind of a guy is rare and a keeper. He opens doors and has a good rep with your parents. He'd be allowed to date your baby sister.

I actually have no idea why I decided to figure all this out about guys. I know I don't even have all of guys figured out, maybe not even 5%. But i decided to share my feelings for some strange reason. Don't be too hard on me with your comments....

love you all lots...

Mari

p.s. I think it would be funny to know what categories guys would put girls into... anyone up to the challenge? lol.

shadows

2006-06-03T15:39:00.000-04:00

I used to think I knew a lot of things
but I’m not so sure now
I used to trust most people
but I don’t remember how to trust
the world is a dangerous place
that I find myself in,
There liars are the truth and the truth is a lie

The masks, they keep us from ourselves
They turn the pure man vengeful
No longer look within to find
A heart that isn’t hateful
Just observe the wicked mask
That tears our dreams apart
Our safety is not a right, nor a privilege

Behind closed doors the masks come off
We bear our souls out to the shadows
But shadows are unfeeling
Unmoving, uncaring, and dead.
NO, shadow, you can’t have me!
I refuse to submit to your demands
I want to be me, living out with the free

I can break free of this graven image
My life can once more breathe fresh air
I am not confined to the life
Others choose for me
I will be mine, and mine alone
YOU will not control me, shadow.
Your bitter reign has lost its power

Even now I feel the sun
Streaming in to my dark shadow room
Filling my soul with a new hope and life
And finally…
I can breathe

by: Me

culvers!

2006-06-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

culvers
so.... let me take a deep breathe so i don't scream obscenities.
I am so sick of being exhausted. And it seems like there is a never-ending struggle between what is easy and what is right.
Im sick of work where no one asks how im doing and I get blamed for others' stupid mistakes. I start out the day so optimistic but by the end i feel lower than dirt. I cried on my way out. I dont even really know why. I think I have friends there, but sometimes I'm not sure. Today before work I was really sick and threw up, not very fun. And my mommy's all the way in Hawaii, so no one's here to take care of me! oh well, I need to stop complaining. I'm sure theres good in this day, somewhere. I mean, I slept til 1, for pete's sake! I've only been awake 10 hours!
Oh well. Life goes on.
Mari.

is this true?

2006-05-24T23:53:00.000-04:00

The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

my birthday comes but once a year...

2006-05-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

And luckily for me, that day is today!

It was a wednesday. I'm sure you all know that. the seniors are back tomorrow, which makes thursday even MORE awesome than normal.

Today I had a BBQ thing 'cept it was indoors cuz it poured down oceans of rain. YAY for rained-out BBQs. it was still fun.

I think I'm gonna miss Paul this summer. I was just getting to know him a bit, and I realized he's super-nice. but whatever. I hope he has fun, and can stay strong for Jesus.

thanks for the rose.

I am SO STINKING GLAD the seniors are back! I missed them like crazy. I didnt even realize how much til they were gone, that I love them all so much. so, here's love, seniors.

Jr/Sr is in less than two days. AUGH! a lot of randomness to prepare for. At least I have a pretty dress, for which I am very thankful. And a really nice guy as a date/friend, Jon Hanie. but anyways. enjoy may while it lasts, folks!

Mari

this may be the best year yet!

2006-04-27T07:49:00.000-04:00

So, since JamesMark wrote a highlight page and "he's my hero".... I figured I'd make one too.

This year has been full of trials and great times. Growing up isn't quite as easy as i imagined it was. Harder, but maybe better.

This year, I've become good friends with Natasha, who roxs my sox and pretty soon here she'll be sleeping on my bar. Natasha has taught me a lot about life and I really appreciate her because of her "been thenre, done that" advice. I also just think shes one of the funniest people I've ever met.

i'll continue this later.

top five

2006-04-25T22:40:00.000-04:00

here are five reasons that I don't hate Andy Costa.

1. He is nice to me

2. He is exceedingly tall, which in my language is synonymous with cool.

3. He has never been mean to me that I can recall

4. He makes me laugh... a lot.

5. I don't hate anyone, why would I waste my time hating him?

sorry, Andy, for being mean to you. I didn't do it on purpose.

And the winner is...

2006-04-19T16:22:00.000-04:00

Hello! well, its been a minute or two since I posted last, and a lot has happened. Unfortunately, the catch 22 is that if there is a lot going on, there is not much time to write about it and vice versa.

The one thing I'll write about is April 14, a very memorable evening.

On the evening of April 14, my friend John Davey had a concert at sacred grounds. It was supposed to start at 8pm. In our anticipation, Anne and Jenna and I got there at around 7:30. we look up at the beautiful sky and... realize its going to rain. a LOT. As our friends arrive, we are distracted by them and thoughts of the impending storm are all but erased from our minds. Most of the kids I know start playing hackey sack. I watch them, and notice the lightning over the rooftops. and then this man comes outside and says something that makes me laugh....
" Hey kids! I hate to break up a hack, but its about to rain. let's take this hack inside!"

haha. Ok, so maybe thats only funny to me.

Then, we waited for 8 o clock to arrive while the storm came upon us. It wasn't too bad, but there was some wind and rain and some fun lighting and thunder. I was about to walk outside to call some friends that had yet to arrive when...

the sirens went off. At first only a few people noticed, and then there were some adults talking about it. Soon afterward, 70 plus people were herded down to the basement, which, I might add, is not finished. I was getting kinda scared, because at least three of my friends hadn't gotten there yet. We sat around in the basement for a while, and I was anxiously waiting for Erin, Tiffany and Troy to show up and prove they hadn't died in the tornado.

Soon enough, they got there and joined us in the crowded basement. Fun ensued, and all thoughts of the storm left our minds. about 45 minutes later, we went upstairs again and the concert finally started.

I had a TON of fun, thanks to the entertainment of John and Jeremae Yoder (sp?). and of course, thanks to all the people I was with.... Erin, Troy, Tiffany, Jenna, Anne, Paul, Rachel, Marcus, etc, etc. I also talked to Alex Blake and found out that we had both gone to Mrs. Shafer's art class a long time ago, which is cool. I like to meet/talk to new people! So, as of now, he's on my cool people list. yay.

The night ended pretty uneventfully after that. so, thanks for listening to my really long and boring account of an awesome time. ta-ta!

love to all and all to love....

Mari

A La Mode!

2006-04-06T19:33:00.000-04:00

Hello FOLKS! what's up?

I'm getting to the end of a very boring week of school. Stanford Achievement Tests may just be the most silly things EVER invented. I can only "hold my breath in anticipation" for next year when I don't have to come in til 10:50 almost every day. Ok, only 360 days til the NON S.A.T.'s! wow.

I have a big spanish test on monday that could very well determine my grade. Meanwhile, I also have a Church High School Youth Group Retreat at Chartwell this weekend. I hope I have SOME time to study in all that other stuff, or else, who KNOWS what?

John Davey has a concert at Sacred Grounds on the 14th at 8 pm. come one, come all!

I think I may be in love......

.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.......................... with texas toast!

anyways. Andy Newton now has a date for the good old Jr/Sr. way to go, man!

sorry for this very boring and strange random mix of blah. love you all....

Mari

two good days

2006-03-31T16:06:00.000-05:00

tuesday and thursday were top-notch days. to read about tuesday, go see James Mark's blog.

thursday....

thursday I went bowling with some friends: Lillian, Kevin, Troy, and John. they are extremely cool people and If you don't knoe them, you should. We only bowled one game, because some people were starting to smoke and I HATE smoke. so then we went to the levee and ate cheesecake icecream and this nasty lemon stuff that tasted like motor oil smells. but according to lilly, it grows on you. whatev. WE then took off to the pedestrian bridge, which was fun for no reason at all except that the bridge is shaping up to be quite a hotspot, and the people I was with made it worthwhile. thanks, evry1!

the ride home was... memorable, to say the least. I'm not sure if I want to do THAT again. haha.

I wish it was summer already, this break has given me a glimpse of it.

yours,
MariE

a dark cloud before the sun breaks

2006-03-26T20:52:00.000-05:00

misery is overrated.

I think that miscomunication should be eliminated as a possibility. This evil, evil thing has caused a lot of problems for me. Or have I been the cause of all the problems?not sure.

I have BANGS now. first time since I was probably three. i think they look cool, But I dunno...

tomorrow might be a GOOD day. we'll have to wait and see.

I am a very complicated person. no surprise there. :)

M@rie

wild and wonderful

2006-03-24T16:03:00.000-05:00

Well...

the play is tonite! it went well last night... hopefully... it will go well tonite. lol.

msriisovrrtd.

what does that mean? guess!

mari

crying inside or out

2006-03-20T21:19:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that crying on the inside is bad for you. I always get this dreadful headache and I feel like I'm going to puke. Do those sound like indicators to YOU?

I often cry the hard way, only letting it go on inside of me. this just creates buildup and a chance of an explosion.

outward crying is purification. all the hurt and anguish that you have been feeling comes out, and when you're done, it feels, surprisingly, like there might be hope.

I sometimes feel as if the outward crying is too ovbious of a sign of pain, and that hiding it should occur at all costs. I've let my emotions show too many times for my good.

I wish that crying in public wasn't disgraceful.

I recently noticed a side-effect to trying to control outward tears. On me, I blotch up ALL OVER and my eyes become bloodshot to the point where I look like I've been crying all my life even though it was only about a minute of suppressed tears in the bathroom stall. so much for hiding myself from others to avoid hurt.

MariE

P.S. sorry that this blog only barely hangs on to a string of sanity.

fairly possible reality

2006-03-20T20:50:00.000-05:00

I am VERY tired. 6 1/2 hours of play practice can do that to a person. Whew! when this week is over, there will be relief all around.

I wish I could just skip over tha awkward heartbreaking horrid teenage years and wake up with my bachelor's degree and a fiancee. School is SO pointless sometimes.

Of course, maybe going to an all-girls school could help with another problem... guys. WHY do we need them?!?! I mean, granted, a couple of them are pretty cool. but the vast majority of guys are SO impossible to understand, get along with, and hang out with. I know for sure that I will NEVER really unserstand them. I am SO sick of trying to find some guy willing enough to be mine, so why do I still pursue it? I know I'm too young to get married, and I don't really want to, but "unfortunately" God put a hopelessly romantic heart in me, and right now the thing I want most is just for some guy to really LIKE me, value me and want me for his. I know this is selfish and somewhat shallow. so WHY do I feel like this? I wish I could be tough, and be able to withstand silly criticisms thrown at me. But sometimes, I can't. I wish I didnt cry when a crush turns out to like another girl, one prettier and thinner and sweeter than me. But I do. this time of growing up is too hard for me, without God.

So God, where are you? do you hear my prayers? Do you REALLY want to give me what I need and want? please come save me from my despondency.

Today is NOT Doom's day!

2006-03-13T22:05:00.000-05:00

So, today was a really AOK sort of day. It's monday the 13th, moe's night, and yes, while I'm sad I didn't get to go, I'm ok about it. YAY for people who got to go! The one thing I liked about today is, I didn't feel any pressure. I didn't feel like I had to perform a certain way to get a certain group to like me, or set my heart on getting some guy's attention. Bad things may have happened today, but I didn't really notice them. This is, by far, my best monday yet.

I was lying in bed last night thinking about all of the people I wanted to be honest with. There are a lot of things which would be good for me to share with some of my friends. I have had certain things I've wanted to say for quite some time now, but where is my courage? Why does it take so much of me to confront my own feelings and fears? It's not like what I have to say is hurtful. I'm going to work on it.

There are so many little joys in every day that I let slip away. The sun rising and setting, the moon in its silvery splendor. Bask with me, if you will, in God's ultimately glorious creation.

The same sun rises
on each new morn
and with it a hope
in my soul is born

as a new day glistens
with new and different hope
a small spark in me wonders
If I will be able to cope

For with each glory
there also comes a fear
of long-feared shadows
soon drawing near

but with the dawn to guide me
I shut the door on pain
and lean on the lessons long learned
and look for ones still left to gain.

Show me the way, Lord
on the road of life
so that I may walk along on it,
without the pain and strife.

luvya'll...
MariE

and now for another view...

2006-03-11T14:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I felt as if the world was ending, my heart was breaking, and I was dying.

Then I woke up today to find that, sadly and happily, the world moves on without me. I guess God gives us trials and "troubles" to show us which way's up, and to show us who really cares.

One thing I'm observing is my great ability to be unseen. I was at the friendship banquet last night, and it really was not too bad. The only thing was, I felt totally and completely unnoticed by my peers. I spent a portion of the night just trying to find a group of people that would notice me, include me, and talk to me. It's not easy.

This gave way to a feeling of total aloneness. Have you ever felt this way? I started thinking that maybe there was something terribly wrong with me. Yes, this would explain why everyone was ignoring me, leaving me out, and goiung on with their schedules as if
I didn't exist.

Do I exist? am I just a blob of nothing, that only a select few can even recognize? If not, where are their hearts? can't they recognize me in my misery? Jesus commanded us to love one another, and yet at this Christian school I see nothing but prejudice and bias, perfect little people in their perfect little cliques.

This is not to say I am friendless, I am very thankful for the friends I have. I just feel so OUTSIDE of everything sometimes. Is this truth, or a lie?

In conclusion... the cloud has passed, but the confusion remains. what is there for me?

MariE

today, tomorrow, and the other day

2006-03-08T13:49:00.000-05:00

what is the main purpose of living? I guess it's to glorify God. So why is it that I mess up ALL THE TIME? I guess I'm a sinner. wow. what a revelation.
well, today is wednesday the 8th, two months and two days away from my 17th birthday. That means, I'm getting old. and I feel as if I haven't accomplished ANYTHING at all in mt boring life. Maybe now is a good time to start living, eh?
I really don't know. well... since I've just spent the last five minutes rambling, I'd better ease your boredom. how? hmmm. oh, by the way, here are some things you should know.
two things I hate: when people tease me about certain guys and say we're getting married. also, I hate fake people who are mean to everyone and break people's hearts.
two things I would love to receive: flowers and cheesecake.
two things that make my day: compliments and random kindness
two habits I should break: nailbiting and oversleeping
two things I want to do: sky dive and ski
ok, the end! :)
MariE

thrilling events leading up to nothing

2006-03-06T18:04:00.000-05:00

so.

today was a day similar to lots of other days. In fact, there was almost nothing unique about it. sometimes, when I'm depressed, I think maybe God didn't plan out my whole life, he just took random days from previous years and recycled them. I realize the possibility of this is slim to none, still I wonder.

I ate something besides salad at lunch today, and I felt good doing it. Because... salad for 10 school lunches straight is PATHETIC and starts to taste like grass and grease. how do I know? I'll tell you! well... ok, I have no idea. but I CAN IMAGINE it.

Today in Mr. Johns' class we talked about shyness. Now, I'm sure if you know mes a random acquaintance you would say that mari = shy would be an oxymoron of sorts. WELL! I am here to tell you that I am VERY SHY. Ok, not so much. but I used to be horribly shy. I think I just got sick of people ignoring me, thus evolving into the loud sometimes obnoxious Mari of today. weird, huh?

ta-ta for now....

MariE

More of an unknown past!

2006-02-22T20:01:00.000-05:00

so... Hi! this week has been hectic. I want to apologize to Trenton, Brandon and Betsy for being uptight and maybe bossy and ... irresponsible. I really feel bad. Good news is that ... our work is DONE! YAY! so... yeah.

so... I think some of my friends have stalkers. scary.

I think I made a stupid decision and now a friend is no longer a friend. I'm sad.

I really have no energy to say anything else. bye!

Mari

who I am hates who I've been

2006-02-11T17:34:00.000-05:00

HI!
to my loyal readership of all of one and a half readers.... what's up?
I've been having a pretty splendid week off of school. Not much has happened, but it's still been fun. Today I went to see the pink panther movie with Tiffany. Jon, Robbie, Joel and Matt were SUPPOSED to be there, but I think they ran away and hid from us or something. Eh, their loss.

I think my hand is infected with gangrene and I will have to cut it off shortly. Oh well, never liked being left handed anyways...

Well, I think I've forgotten ALL of my lines from "Brer Rabbit yada yada yada", your nice little choric speaking piece for which I am eternally grateful. Without it... I would be nervously shaking like a leaf while trying to deliver oodles of underprepared memorized or manuscript speeches.Oh yeah... its called Tug of War. anyways.

Tonite I will stay home and attend to my sisters while my parents go to some fancy restaurant and take a brief respite from their busy, complicated, nervewracking life. I will try not to hurtle my sisters across the room when I get miffed at them.

The olympics have begun, and I am very happy.Ice skating is my favorite, because they all look so full of beauty and grace and confidence, three things I feel I lack.I watch them in awe, wishing that I could take back ten years of my life and start anew on a track towards beauty, and fluidity, and ice. I also like to watch skiing, although sometimes I fail to see the point in hurtlying yourself down a mountain with no knowing if you're going to make it to the bottom.

Have a wonderful sunday, enjoy church and all of that good stuff.

Mari :)

P.S. I actually LOVE being left-handed, except for the annoying pencil marks I find on the side of my hand after feverishly taking notes in Mrs. Borgman's class.Also... I never fling my sisters across the room. Don't be alarmed.

red or brown?

2006-02-08T12:32:00.000-05:00

should my hair be red, or brown?

I doubt anyone will respond, but maybe....

A no-way street

2006-02-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like you were stuck on a road where there was no going forward and no turning back? As if your "car" is stuck in the mud... and there are cars racing toward you on both sides! I have felt that way for a long time now, but I think relief is finally coming my way... God, in the form of a tow truck, to get me out of the muck and the mire. I just need to hand him the keys.

ever yours truly,
MariE

Petty Observances (Observations)

2006-02-05T20:38:00.000-05:00

Well, I think the main point of life is to love God, serve him, and love and serve others. The best part about loving others is getting to know strange things about them, and wanting to get to know them better. Take almost anyone in my class at Faith and apply this principle.
After reading Rachel's blog, I really have a new view on her, and on life. She brings a fresh perspective. I've never really taken the time to get to know her, but I hope she would like to know me, and we can be friends.
Alec is another one of those cool people that I really don't know. I have no reason, really. I've realized lately that he's REALLY funny! and I appreciate him for his sense of humor and for his zany personality.
I'm grateful for the friends I have, but I want to make new ones and not miss out on anything... Maybe, this new year of 2006 will bring new people, new experiences, and new life to my ever-changing existance.

Mari

P.S. Valentines Day is over-rated... but if anyone really wants to bless me, I challenge you to change my view. I'll try and return the favor... :)

cliques are GREAT, join one!

2006-02-04T20:35:00.000-05:00

For most of my life, I thought I was totally fine being on the outside of the clique, because I thought I had my own clique to rely on. Why is being cool so important? I'm not sure. I guess I just feel incredibly left out because I read on all these blogs about how all these "cool" people have fun and laugh and they all think each other is AWESOME and I want to be awesome too. I'm not sure how to explain, but people always said that Faith was just full of cliques, and I never really believed them until lately. It makes me sad, I wish I could just laugh and talk and make memories with everyone. Why not? Must we all miss out on real life because we are so self-absorbed? Is that the plan God has for us? I think not.

_MariE the uncool

the whole thing at once

2006-02-03T17:08:00.000-05:00

Hi! This is me again, i think. I felt really sick today... it wasn't fun. Oh well.
I think my blog is boring... no one ever comments on it. But OH WELL! life goes on.

I realize that there aren't always things to write about. so today, I'll just ramble.

Here are a few things you may not know about me:

my favorite crayola crayon is called macaroni and cheese.
normally when cute guys look at me I think they're starting at my zits in disgust.
I LOVE to make things with clay. Its one of the things I really feel good about.
I don't try new things because I'm afraid of failure
I am scared of spiders crawling into my mouth when I sleep.
I wish I was in the "in crowd"
I wish I could be friends with everyone
My middle name is Katherine
I am a bowler, and thus, a nerd. Sometimes being a nerd is more fun than being cool.
Red is the color of confidence. But I'm not very confident. hmmm.
I think that it would be very cool to marry Matt Theissien. from Relient K.

and so, here's a song for throught.

"Be My Escape"
I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption because
I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
andI’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go,
promise I’m going because

I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because

I’ve gotta get outta here I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so longI should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

for all the times I doubt you

2006-01-28T22:22:00.000-05:00

"For The Moments I Feel Faint"

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

[Chorus:]Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence
I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

[Chorus]

I think I can't,
I think I can't
But I think you can,
I think you can

I think I can't,
I think I can't
But I think you can,
I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands,
place them in your hands,
place them in your hands

by Relient K

the providence that we meet again

2006-01-28T15:41:00.000-05:00

MY ALI IS COMING HOME!!!!!

let's just say that I am super-thrilled jumping up and down and wanting to cry at the same time. Just last week I was worried I would never see her again, and that she would end up in prison for something she was forced to do. God's providence is evident. He knows the things that are most important to me, and He cares about my friends, too. I honestly almost gave up, but he still had work to do. Pray that she and I can make up for lost time and that she will be able to come to Faith! I can't wait to see her. Also, she did get into some trouble so pray that it would get resolved and wouldnt affect her life too much.

~THANK YOU JESUS~

-mari *

uncommon connections

2006-01-24T14:07:00.000-05:00

Just as a heads up, from now on all songs/poems I post will have the author's name at the bottom. some will be me, some will be favorite songs. I wrote the poem, and Superchick is the band that sings the song. ok? OK! cool.

and now, without further ado...

"Porcelain Heart"
Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

[Chorus:]You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

by Barlow Girl

2006-01-23T14:16:00.000-05:00

"Suddenly"

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how
steps she's making might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she wasAnd she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows and so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
Its coming skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly i am where i'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, i was supposed to be here

all alone in a crowd?

2006-01-23T13:54:00.000-05:00

sometimes I wish that I could walk down a hall and everyone would want to talk to me and be with me. I realize that this is pretty selfish, and I think in reality impossible. However, sometimes I feel as if my whole life is a big joke and I will never be understood for the real me. I hide behind my comfy mask and I'm afraid to be me. I act obnoxious because all I really want is for someone to take a liking to me, notice that I'm there. I get used to the act, but then there are moments of panic, scared that someone will find out who I really am and hate the real me more than the fake one. I feel all alone in a room full of people, people who judge by appearances... people like me, who hurt and bleed and can't seem to find relief because they are clinging on to the things that can't satisfy. I know the way out... why don't I choose it?

MariE

for the sake of a life

2006-01-20T20:06:00.000-05:00

when I think about all of the children in the world that are so hungry and they dont know when their next meal is coming, that scares me

when I think about all of the mothers and fathers with AIDS and no Jesus, that scares me

when I think of the people who throw their lives away drinking and doing drugs and being stupid, that scares me

when I think about all of the pregnant teens with no one to turn to and a long and lonely road ahead, that scares me.

without the grace of God, there am I.

poetry in motion...

2006-01-19T14:20:00.000-05:00

Look Past the Mask

In my eyes, you can see the life and the death.
The tears and the triumphs
You can see my heart and my mind

My eyes show what I’m really thinking
The depths of my soul
The desires of my heart

Look into my eyes
What do you see?
Do you see the real me, or a mask?

I wear a mask to conform
To become who I am not
To try and lose myself, in this world of lonely souls

To become a shadow

I have hidden myself from you
But now my eyes betray me
They show you what I really feel

I cannot tell you what comes next
Even my heart barely knows it
I look for hope and love…

With steady gaze I look to the future, determined.
Embracing what is to come,
Yet longing for the past

When you can see what I’m thinking
In my dark and mysterious eyes
You will know me

-mari... enjoy?

p.s. feel free to criticize me or whatever... I would like to be a better poet.

my life as an anonymous blogger

2006-01-19T14:14:00.000-05:00

I guess you could say that this is the trillionth blog thingy I've signed up for. so in order to make my transition into blogger an interesting one, I feel as if I should say something interesting. too bad that doesn't fit my character. :). oh well. its nice to be blogging again!