more than my two cents

Friday, March 31, 2006

two good days

tuesday and thursday were top-notch days. to read about tuesday, go see James Mark's blog.


thursday I went bowling with some friends: Lillian, Kevin, Troy, and John. they are extremely cool people and If you don't knoe them, you should. We only bowled one game, because some people were starting to smoke and I HATE smoke. so then we went to the levee and ate cheesecake icecream and this nasty lemon stuff that tasted like motor oil smells. but according to lilly, it grows on you. whatev. WE then took off to the pedestrian bridge, which was fun for no reason at all except that the bridge is shaping up to be quite a hotspot, and the people I was with made it worthwhile. thanks, evry1!

the ride home was... memorable, to say the least. I'm not sure if I want to do THAT again. haha.

I wish it was summer already, this break has given me a glimpse of it.


Sunday, March 26, 2006

a dark cloud before the sun breaks

misery is overrated.

I think that miscomunication should be eliminated as a possibility. This evil, evil thing has caused a lot of problems for me. Or have I been the cause of all the problems?not sure.

I have BANGS now. first time since I was probably three. i think they look cool, But I dunno...

tomorrow might be a GOOD day. we'll have to wait and see.

I am a very complicated person. no surprise there. :)


Friday, March 24, 2006

wild and wonderful


the play is tonite! it went well last night... hopefully... it will go well tonite. lol.


what does that mean? guess!


Monday, March 20, 2006

crying inside or out

I have come to the conclusion that crying on the inside is bad for you. I always get this dreadful headache and I feel like I'm going to puke. Do those sound like indicators to YOU?

I often cry the hard way, only letting it go on inside of me. this just creates buildup and a chance of an explosion.

outward crying is purification. all the hurt and anguish that you have been feeling comes out, and when you're done, it feels, surprisingly, like there might be hope.

I sometimes feel as if the outward crying is too ovbious of a sign of pain, and that hiding it should occur at all costs. I've let my emotions show too many times for my good.

I wish that crying in public wasn't disgraceful.

I recently noticed a side-effect to trying to control outward tears. On me, I blotch up ALL OVER and my eyes become bloodshot to the point where I look like I've been crying all my life even though it was only about a minute of suppressed tears in the bathroom stall. so much for hiding myself from others to avoid hurt.


P.S. sorry that this blog only barely hangs on to a string of sanity.

fairly possible reality

I am VERY tired. 6 1/2 hours of play practice can do that to a person. Whew! when this week is over, there will be relief all around.

I wish I could just skip over tha awkward heartbreaking horrid teenage years and wake up with my bachelor's degree and a fiancee. School is SO pointless sometimes.

Of course, maybe going to an all-girls school could help with another problem... guys. WHY do we need them?!?! I mean, granted, a couple of them are pretty cool. but the vast majority of guys are SO impossible to understand, get along with, and hang out with. I know for sure that I will NEVER really unserstand them. I am SO sick of trying to find some guy willing enough to be mine, so why do I still pursue it? I know I'm too young to get married, and I don't really want to, but "unfortunately" God put a hopelessly romantic heart in me, and right now the thing I want most is just for some guy to really LIKE me, value me and want me for his. I know this is selfish and somewhat shallow. so WHY do I feel like this? I wish I could be tough, and be able to withstand silly criticisms thrown at me. But sometimes, I can't. I wish I didnt cry when a crush turns out to like another girl, one prettier and thinner and sweeter than me. But I do. this time of growing up is too hard for me, without God.

So God, where are you? do you hear my prayers? Do you REALLY want to give me what I need and want? please come save me from my despondency.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Today is NOT Doom's day!

So, today was a really AOK sort of day. It's monday the 13th, moe's night, and yes, while I'm sad I didn't get to go, I'm ok about it. YAY for people who got to go! The one thing I liked about today is, I didn't feel any pressure. I didn't feel like I had to perform a certain way to get a certain group to like me, or set my heart on getting some guy's attention. Bad things may have happened today, but I didn't really notice them. This is, by far, my best monday yet.

I was lying in bed last night thinking about all of the people I wanted to be honest with. There are a lot of things which would be good for me to share with some of my friends. I have had certain things I've wanted to say for quite some time now, but where is my courage? Why does it take so much of me to confront my own feelings and fears? It's not like what I have to say is hurtful. I'm going to work on it.

There are so many little joys in every day that I let slip away. The sun rising and setting, the moon in its silvery splendor. Bask with me, if you will, in God's ultimately glorious creation.

The same sun rises
on each new morn
and with it a hope
in my soul is born

as a new day glistens
with new and different hope
a small spark in me wonders
If I will be able to cope

For with each glory
there also comes a fear
of long-feared shadows
soon drawing near

but with the dawn to guide me
I shut the door on pain
and lean on the lessons long learned
and look for ones still left to gain.

Show me the way, Lord
on the road of life
so that I may walk along on it,
without the pain and strife.


Saturday, March 11, 2006

and now for another view...

Yesterday I felt as if the world was ending, my heart was breaking, and I was dying.

Then I woke up today to find that, sadly and happily, the world moves on without me. I guess God gives us trials and "troubles" to show us which way's up, and to show us who really cares.

One thing I'm observing is my great ability to be unseen. I was at the friendship banquet last night, and it really was not too bad. The only thing was, I felt totally and completely unnoticed by my peers. I spent a portion of the night just trying to find a group of people that would notice me, include me, and talk to me. It's not easy.

This gave way to a feeling of total aloneness. Have you ever felt this way? I started thinking that maybe there was something terribly wrong with me. Yes, this would explain why everyone was ignoring me, leaving me out, and goiung on with their schedules as if
I didn't exist.

Do I exist? am I just a blob of nothing, that only a select few can even recognize? If not, where are their hearts? can't they recognize me in my misery? Jesus commanded us to love one another, and yet at this Christian school I see nothing but prejudice and bias, perfect little people in their perfect little cliques.

This is not to say I am friendless, I am very thankful for the friends I have. I just feel so OUTSIDE of everything sometimes. Is this truth, or a lie?

In conclusion... the cloud has passed, but the confusion remains. what is there for me?


Wednesday, March 08, 2006

today, tomorrow, and the other day

what is the main purpose of living? I guess it's to glorify God. So why is it that I mess up ALL THE TIME? I guess I'm a sinner. wow. what a revelation.

well, today is wednesday the 8th, two months and two days away from my 17th birthday. That means, I'm getting old. and I feel as if I haven't accomplished ANYTHING at all in mt boring life. Maybe now is a good time to start living, eh?

I really don't know. well... since I've just spent the last five minutes rambling, I'd better ease your boredom. how? hmmm. oh, by the way, here are some things you should know.

two things I hate: when people tease me about certain guys and say we're getting married. also, I hate fake people who are mean to everyone and break people's hearts.

two things I would love to receive: flowers and cheesecake.

two things that make my day: compliments and random kindness

two habits I should break: nailbiting and oversleeping

two things I want to do: sky dive and ski

ok, the end! :)


Monday, March 06, 2006

thrilling events leading up to nothing


today was a day similar to lots of other days. In fact, there was almost nothing unique about it. sometimes, when I'm depressed, I think maybe God didn't plan out my whole life, he just took random days from previous years and recycled them. I realize the possibility of this is slim to none, still I wonder.

I ate something besides salad at lunch today, and I felt good doing it. Because... salad for 10 school lunches straight is PATHETIC and starts to taste like grass and grease. how do I know? I'll tell you! well... ok, I have no idea. but I CAN IMAGINE it.

Today in Mr. Johns' class we talked about shyness. Now, I'm sure if you know mes a random acquaintance you would say that mari = shy would be an oxymoron of sorts. WELL! I am here to tell you that I am VERY SHY. Ok, not so much. but I used to be horribly shy. I think I just got sick of people ignoring me, thus evolving into the loud sometimes obnoxious Mari of today. weird, huh?

ta-ta for now....